Friday, April 22, 2011

Show Don't Tell -Crash, Boom, Lightning-

                The air deposits salt on my tongue but it is not nearly enough. I glance longingly at the sky, cradling my elbows, my feet never stopping. The moon behind the thin clouds reminds me of its view beneath the water, a distorted shimmer that could be anything.
                Another gust of sea-scented air washes over me, bringing the slap-slap sound of uneven footsteps. I force my screaming legs to move faster, keeping my head down. The noise takes my ears captive, growing louder, closer. I peek over my shoulder, the saccadic movements of a drunkard meeting my eyes.
                I veered to cross the street, taking enough care to avoid the puddles of slimy unidentified substances settled in the chipped asphalt. A greasy finger trailed down my arm and a soundless scream built up in my throat at his sudden closeness.
                Adrenaline loaned my feet wings and I flew automatically to the place that had always been my safe haven. My body launched into the air, snapping into position. It cut through the water perfectly and I propelled myself deeper; my porcelain legs replaced by a scaled tail.

18 comments:

  1. A scaled tail? No ordinary character, then. :)

    I love your Crusader Challenge entry!

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  2. Fantastic imagery, especially in the last line. Great job!

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  3. Lovely - and great last line. Now I want to know more about your MC!

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  4. Ooh, I love that she changes shape! Nice tension :)

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  5. Awesome! She got away by changing! I hope she got away, at least!

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  6. Wow! Mermaid? I want to know. Great read. ; )

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  7. Nice entry. I love mermaids and I was pulling for her to get away.

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  8. The blog is very good!
    Congratulations!
    http://nelsonsouzza.blogspot.com

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  9. Isn't it fantastic, how different everyone is dealing with the same specifications?!?! Interesting ... wondered, what the MC was fleeing from or what's going to happen next! Great job!

    Karin @ Nofretiris Dream Of Writing

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  10. Most creepy! I shuddered when I read your line about greasy fingers trailing down her arm :) Great Challenge entry!

    Hugs,

    Rach

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  11. Excellent - I love the transformation/metamorphosis at the end. Very nice!

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  12. "...the saccadic movements of a drunkard meeting my eyes." Nice use of that tricky word!

    Grant @ Grant's Big Blog

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  13. To everyone who guessed she was a mermaid, you are correct. ^^ Thank all of you so much for commenting and for your support. It helps raise my spirits since my mother won't be here for Easter.

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  14. Dude! Brooke! I'm jealous of how many awesome adjectives you know. . . xD "chipped asphalt", "greasy finger", "Adrenaline loaned my feet wings", and "distorted shimmer". Uh, awesome! ^__^

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  15. So mysterious! I'm glad she was able to escape. I hadn't thought of mermaids needing salt - what a neat idea!

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  16. Excellent example of show, don't tell!

    saccadic - had to look that up.

    Except for the drunkard, this sounds like my rush home after a concert next to the water this past Thursday night. Good thing the outdoor concerts are under a tarp.

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  17. -headdesk- Looking back over this I just realized I switched tenses half way through.

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