This blogfest is centered around whether or not your WIP catches people's attention and makes them want to read more. And why? Or why not?
And this is why you are here (I hope). To tell me what you think works, and what you think doesn't in my first 550 words.
Oh, one more thing before we start. I'll be posting the first 550 words to both of my WIPs (cause I'm a cheater). Feel perfectly free to read just one.
Chapter One: Gone
“Are you sure you can handle them, Maggie?” Rieta hovered in the doorway, “We could always stay.” Her eyes flicked to the top of the stairs where her four-year-old son had stomped to his room, angered at the thought of a baby sitter.
Her husband rolled his eyes and placed his hand on her shoulder, “They’ll be fine, dear. We’re going to be late.”
Maggie smiled and hoisted Cassie higher on her hip, “Don’t worry, Rieta, I’ll take good care of them. Go have a good time.”
Rieta sighed and gave in, “Okay, but I’m going to call when we get there.”
“That’s fine, love. Now shoo!” Maggie made the motion with her free hand then laughed.
Rieta smiled weakly and let her husband guide her, his hand around her waist, to the car. She glanced back over her shoulder and saw Maggie whispering to Cassie, covering Cassie’s small hand with her big one and waving it in the air. “Bye-bye to you, too, sweetheart,” Rieta said softly as she waved back and stepped down into the car.
Rieta frowned and hit the re-dial button, pressing the phone to her ear. Her fingers drummed on the table and she turned her body away from the rest of the table. “Come on. Answer,” she whispered as the ringing stopped and became her own voice, “Hello, you’ve reached the Marks family. We’re not home-” Click. She hung up, hit re-dial again. Dial tone. “Hello, yo-”
“She’s not answering, Bill!” she whispered frantically to her husband.
Her husband dragged his eyes from the performance on stage, “Relax, I’m sure she’s just busy feeding the kids or putting Cassie down. Give her a minute to call back.”
Rieta took a deep breath. Everything was okay. Bill was right. Maggie was probably just upstairs and couldn’t hear the phone, when she saw the missed call she’d call right back.
She tried to concentrate on the stage, hoping it would distract her but the non-ringing phone clasped in her hand was a constant reminder that Maggie still hadn’t called. She gave in and hit re-dial again and this time there was no ringing, just her voice cheerfully repeating the same message over and over.
“Bill, the phone is off! We need to go home!” A cold, dreadful feeling was threatening to overwhelm her.
He sighed but flagged the waiter to ask for their check. Rieta felt awful doing this to him, she knew he’d been anticipating this night for weeks now. She almost told him never mind, that she was sure everything was fine. But she wasn’t, so she didn’t.
She tapped her foot impatiently as she waited for the valet to bring around their car. The car wasn’t even at a complete stop before she yanked open the door and jumped inside. She could hear Bill apologizing to the man who had been driving the car before he stepped in and took his sweet time buckling up and starting the car.
She stared out the window anxiously, the feeling of horror threatening to overtake her at any second. She consoled herself that when they got there everything would be fine and they would all laugh about it later.
The first thing she noticed when they pulled up was that Maggie’s car wasn’t parked in the (driveway anymore).
Thinking of You
Chapter One: I'm In
The Enclosure stood solitary and alone. Waving grass went on forever, only broken by the long road connecting the Enclosure to the rest of the world. It was an almost peaceful scene but it left a nasty taste in my mouth. It was going to be extremely difficult to move across without being spotted. And they knew it. Not that I was worried about the sentries placed around the building; they were easy enough to fool. I grinned over at the watchmen closest to us. They smiled back from their Jeep. No, it was the sensors and cameras that I was worried about.
My gaze drifted back toward the Enclosure. There had to be a way to get inside. I glanced back at the Jeep. [I wonder if…] “Look,” Tass’s voice broke through my concentration.
My eyes followed her pointing finger. A delivery truck was coming down the road. About the size of a semi, and probably packed with food. The idiots running this place didn’t have the sense to grow their own food. [Or cover their tracks. I wonder if anyone else has ever found them by tracking their food shipments.]
Ground flying under my feet, I started to run. My body reacted instantly, knowing the plan before I did. That truck was our way in. I needed on it. It was as simple as that.
My legs stretched; the muscles pulling taunt. It felt wonderful after squatting in the grass for so long, trying to stay hidden. The wind felt cool and free. Dark hairs flew in my face and I shook my head, trying to clear them out of my field of vision.
The truck sped closer. I could see the driver’s face, every detail down to the pulsing zit on his chin; he was nothing but another young hot shot who took the job to have a car. His eyes were closed as his head bobbed to the music blaring from his speakers. Even so I launched a wave at him. [Look at that jogger. Man, she’s hot.] He peeled his eyes open to stare at me. I waved. I knew exactly how minds like his worked.
The old engine revved, the vibrations pounding through my feet, as he tried to impress me. His face disappeared from my line of sight as he zoomed down the asphalt. Which was fine by me. It was much simpler without having to deal with his greedy eyes.
The surface under my feet turned hard as I made it to the road. My footsteps added to the clatter of the truck, making my ears pound. Breathe rasped through my throat as I ran and ran, waiting for my chance. The vehicle slowed, the driver probably craning his neck to find me, and I leaped, my legs propelling me beyond normal human heights.
My knees fell against the metal container and I resisted the urge to curse, biting my lip. The huge boom was already too much noise. I waited for the second one, but it didn’t come. My neck swiveled, searching. Tass crouched right behind me, her eyes shining from the adrenaline.
Reassured, I turned my attention to the cab. The music was so loud, I could hear every word, even out there. That meant nothing. The punk-ass kid in (in the front seat might have heard something).