Monday, October 24, 2011

Just When You Think It's Going to be Okay

*Today my blog is being critiqued by Laura at Laura B. Writer.
**Please don't forget to follow the instructions on this post and "heart" my entry if you like it.
            The blood disappeared in the black sand, but not even the salt in the air could cover the odor of decaying bodies. I leaned back, bark catching on my shirt, and tried to breathe through my mouth. An unbroken mix of blue and green spread out before me. It was worse than the stench.
            The tree shook all around me. My legs tightened around the branch. I raised the gun in my lap. Loud bangs pierced my ears and metal grew hot in my hands. The four closest wastopaneers blanketed the ground, the holes in their heads shining red in the sunlight.
            One tried to stand back up, digging her nails into the tree. I reached inside my bag. I was going to have to tacise her. My fingers brushed the smooth cylinder. I jerked out my taser and fired. The wastopaneer dropped, brain fried.
            I settled against the trunk once more, air blowing between my lips. I yanked an apple from my knapsack and took a bite, too sweet. The juice, cold and sticky, dribbled down my chin.
            “Is anyone alive down there?” I jumped. The apple fell, hitting a wasopaneer in the head. My neck snapped back. I squinted to see the synbatec against the sun.
            I jumped to my feet, bracing myself with one hand and waving the other over my head. My voice clawed up my throat. “Me. I’m alive. Oh please, see me.”
            A rope ladder tumbled onto my head. I grasped it desperately, clambering above the foliage of the tree. Hands pulled me in.
            I kissed the thin carpet before rolling over. A man stood above me. “Are we headed to the ship?”
            He shook his head. “The ship’s been overrun.”
            He held out his arm, the circular bite-mark deep and fresh.


  1. Love your writing Brooke - you always put me right in the moment! Nice drama building in this one.

  2. Uh-oh! Things are going from bad to worse.
    This is a great entry. Action is so hard to write well, but you've done a fantastic job.

    Mine is #25.

  3. Hi Brooke,

    I liked the story, very action-packed.

    (now following)
    Moody Writing

  4. Oooo a circular bite mark. I want to know what these things look like.

  5. Wow, what excitement! Loved the use of the words! Wanted to turn the page! Good job! ; )

  6. Nicely done, Brooke! Zombies. Brrr.

  7. I thought mutiny at first, but then the bite mark. Hmm. Some kind of octopi? Now you've got me wanting more! Excellent work! :)

  8. "I was going to have to tacise her."

    So great a line, that!

  9. very visual, and you used the words well too. Mine is #56

  10. Nicely done, Brooke! As always. :)

  11. @Trisha Why thank you! Now if only I could manage to do that while avoiding confusion. :)

    @Jen Well, at least with the guy's in the helicopter she'll have some time to escape before they try to eat her. lol

    @Moody Why thank you, and thank you for following. ^^

    @Michael Oh shush and enjoy the rest of the story. I know you like a good zombie.

    @Sarah Definitely not! And where was your challenge entry by the way? -gives suspicious eye-

    @Sheri There might have been a page to turn if the word count hadn't been limited to 300. I already slimmed it by 70, sure I could add some more action. :)

    @Steph I'm glad they still came off as zombies even though I was calling them something else.

    @David Octopi? Your mind wanders down less-traveled paths, my friend.

    @Jes Why thank you. ^^ I didn't really think that was one of my more powerful ones. Amazing how we all see things differently, isn't it?

    @Bridget I tried to use them as naturally as possible by giving them concrete meanings. Thanks for reading!

    @Julie Of course. :D Your comment has brightened my day. As always.

  12. Great piece with excellent imagery. Love the twist at the end. Looks like she might not be saved after all.

  13. Why thank you. I'm glad everything I imagined still came out right since I had to cut quite a few descriptions to meet the word count. ^^ Surprise, surprise.

  14. Whoa scary!! Loved it though! I really want to know more of the story! Great job!

    I'm entry #5

  15. Why thank you. I worked hard on getting the tone just right. ^^