Monday, February 13, 2012

There Are Better Places for Hooks Than Fish Lips [Hook, Line, and Sinker Blogfest]

My Nana and Papa occasionally take my sister and I fishing. It's fun, but when I get a bite, I feel bad for jerking the hook through the fish's lip. However, as a writer I'll take all the bites I can get without a lick of guilt when I set the hook in my readers. At least, I really hope I set the hook in my readers! And that's what this blogfest is all about.

I want to know if my opening hooks you. You can answer with a simple yes or no, or you could answer any of the questions in the guidelines:
  • Does the character have a personality I can fall into easily? This includes any dialogue exchanged.
  • Is the world around them set up to compliment the character as they're introduced?
  • Are there secondary characters to assist with the hook?
  • Lastly, would I read more?

THINKING OF YOU
(502 words)
The Enclosure stood solitary and alone. Waving grass went on forever, broken only by the long road connecting the Enclosure to the rest of the world. A peaceful scene, but it left a nasty taste in my mouth.

"Rebbsie. Look." Tass’s voice broke through my concentration.

Her pointing finger indicated a delivery truck, the size of a small semi, puttering down the road. Most likely a food shipment. They were due for one.

My body reacted instantly, knowing the plan before I did. Ground flew under my feet as I ran. My legs stretched, the muscles pulling taut. It felt wonderful after squatting in the grass for so long. The wind felt cool and free against my skin. Strands of my dark hair flew in my face and I shook my head, trying to clear my field of vision. Without looking, I knew Tass was behind me just as, without me telling her, she knew what I was going to do. We were going to hitch a ride. And we couldn’t exactly ask for it.

The truck sped toward us. I could see the driver’s face, every detail down to the zit on his chin. He was nothing but another young hot shot who took the job to have a car. His eyes hooded, he bobbed his head to the music blaring from his speakers. He hadn’t noticed me yet, but when he did, it was going to be a problem. Might as well solve it sooner rather than later. I launched a wave at him, the pulse of it starting at the base of my skull. I couldn’t hide myself, I wasn't a senses Trol, but I could do the next best thing. [Check out that jogger. Man, she’s built. Must be from running around this huge ass field.] He peeled his eyes all the way open to stare at me. He was drooling too much to even notice Tass, the pig. My hand came up, fingers wiggling. With minds like his, it was easy to fit myself into a situation where I didn’t belong.

The old engine revved, the vibrations pounding against my skin. Before the vehicle passed me and his face disappeared from sight, I caught his smile. Oh, how impressive he thought he was. I didn’t mind. He had done exactly what I wanted him to.

The surface under my feet turned hard and inflexible when I touched concrete. Breath rasped through my throat as I raced across the asphalt after the truck, waiting for my chance. It was all about timing. The vehicle slowed. Perhaps the driver thought that would help him locate me. I leaped, my trained legs propelling me beyond normal human heights.

My knees collided with the top of the metal container and I resisted the urge to curse, biting my lip. The landing was already too much noise. My neck swiveled, searching. Tass crouched beside me, her eyes shining from the adrenaline. We were so in sync, we jumped at the same time.
*Check out the other participants here.

18 comments:

  1. Brooke, I love how you've tightened this. Great job!

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    1. Thanks, Charity. ^^ I'm glad to hear that since you've read previous versions. I've been working on tightening while avoiding confusion and sprinkling in more about my MC as you suggested.

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  2. Does the character have a personality I can fall into easily?
    Definitely!

    Is the world around them set up to compliment the character as they're introduced?
    The description of the world reminded me of an African Savannah, and the characters themselves reminded me of running tigers, lithe and lean and incredibly fit...so yeah! ;)

    Are there secondary characters to assist with the hook?
    Love the last two sentences with Tass crouched behind - I sort of imagined her eyes as tiger eyes. :)

    Lastly, would I read more?
    Yep, for sure!

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    1. You're too sweet. ;) I like the tiger description. I'll have to remember that (I think I mention something about lionesses in some other part of the WIP though). It's supposed to be prairie, but savannah is close enough. Sounds more exotic anyway.

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  3. Very cool. The writing style is unique and fun. I think there was a moment of mind control there but wasn't exactly sure so some clarification might be dandy. Great hook, I'd kept on truckin'! Thanks for sharing...

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    1. Thank you! I hadn't even thought that it might not be clear that it was mind control. And the very first time it's mentioned, too.

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  4. Rebbsie and Tass sound just shy of superhuman, and Rebbsie at least is psychic, so those points intrigue me. I like the sense imagery and the action. And I think I'm primed to want to know more about the girls, the truck and especially the Enclosure! Nice job!

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    1. I like the "just shy" bit, because they aren't exactly superhuman, but they aren't exactly normal either. ^^ I appreciate you stopping by and love your comment.

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  5. Every detail down to the zit on his chin...wow...that's specific.

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    1. Glad you're here to keep me in check, Michael, or my awesomeness would have gone to my head ages ago. ;)

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  6. I love how this is detailed and very controlled at the same time--I would definitely read more! I think the first sentence could be a *little* stronger, if only because it comes to us without any context so it's hard to sink into...

    In other news, I awarded you a Kreativ Blogger medal on my site today :)

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    1. I have thought about revising the first line to be more eye-catching and the like, but as of yet I have had no ideas. If you have any suggestions I'm all ears.

      I will be bye to pick up the award soon! Thanks so much. :D

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  7. YES! I would continue reading. Your setting establishes the tone of the story well. I think I'd want another page or two to know if I could fall into the personality (as in getting to know her better than she knows herself) but that's normal for a first page...by end of first chapter I'd predict you've established Rebbsie as a living, breathing character.

    Found you through the campaign and the Beta read list. After reading this, I definitely would be up for Beta reading. I also write YA with light sic-fi elements :)

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    1. Hello, Hannah. Thank you for your kind words. ^^ I'm glad that you stopped by. I am looking for a critique partner especially, not just a beta. If you would still like to be partners, and you were serious about the betaing, please email me at brookerbusse@yahoo.com

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  8. Yes, I think I'm hooked. I'm not quite sure what the enclosure is about, or just what mental abilities the MC has, but I'm eager to find out. I love the bit where she fooled the driver into thinking that she was a hot jogger! Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Thank you. That is exactly the sort of thing I wanted to know. ^^

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  9. I am definitely intrigued enough by the character and her abilities to want to keep reading :-)

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    1. Whoop! This is definitely going to be one of the comments I come back to when I'm not feeling so hot.

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