tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8223068889792863979.post5117120693589873568..comments2023-10-11T05:06:04.185-05:00Comments on Paper Mountain: There Are Better Places for Hooks Than Fish Lips [Hook, Line, and Sinker Blogfest]Brooke R. Bussehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444223968856153noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8223068889792863979.post-2888242504271194542012-02-16T18:53:16.704-06:002012-02-16T18:53:16.704-06:00Whoop! This is definitely going to be one of the c...Whoop! This is definitely going to be one of the comments I come back to when I'm not feeling so hot.Brooke R. Bussehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444223968856153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8223068889792863979.post-31072550666480731762012-02-16T00:29:23.325-06:002012-02-16T00:29:23.325-06:00I am definitely intrigued enough by the character ...I am definitely intrigued enough by the character and her abilities to want to keep reading :-)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06181241692016438730noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8223068889792863979.post-69451546193710104602012-02-15T20:55:32.175-06:002012-02-15T20:55:32.175-06:00Thank you. That is exactly the sort of thing I wan...Thank you. That is exactly the sort of thing I wanted to know. ^^Brooke R. Bussehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444223968856153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8223068889792863979.post-89760247824300914392012-02-15T18:16:59.395-06:002012-02-15T18:16:59.395-06:00Yes, I think I'm hooked. I'm not quite sur...Yes, I think I'm hooked. I'm not quite sure what the enclosure is about, or just what mental abilities the MC has, but I'm eager to find out. I love the bit where she fooled the driver into thinking that she was a hot jogger! Thanks for sharing.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8223068889792863979.post-41336430428683057062012-02-14T23:34:04.659-06:002012-02-14T23:34:04.659-06:00Hello, Hannah. Thank you for your kind words. ^^ I...Hello, Hannah. Thank you for your kind words. ^^ I'm glad that you stopped by. I am looking for a critique partner especially, not just a beta. If you would still like to be partners, and you were serious about the betaing, please email me at brookerbusse@yahoo.comBrooke R. Bussehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444223968856153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8223068889792863979.post-83500582450314015402012-02-14T23:00:35.934-06:002012-02-14T23:00:35.934-06:00YES! I would continue reading. Your setting establ...YES! I would continue reading. Your setting establishes the tone of the story well. I think I'd want another page or two to know if I could fall into the personality (as in getting to know her better than she knows herself) but that's normal for a first page...by end of first chapter I'd predict you've established Rebbsie as a living, breathing character.<br /><br />Found you through the campaign and the Beta read list. After reading this, I definitely would be up for Beta reading. I also write YA with light sic-fi elements :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8223068889792863979.post-61125862714400817792012-02-14T15:39:31.117-06:002012-02-14T15:39:31.117-06:00Glad you're here to keep me in check, Michael,...Glad you're here to keep me in check, Michael, or my awesomeness would have gone to my head ages ago. ;)Brooke R. Bussehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444223968856153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8223068889792863979.post-19968998656491489412012-02-14T15:38:48.281-06:002012-02-14T15:38:48.281-06:00I have thought about revising the first line to be...I have thought about revising the first line to be more eye-catching and the like, but as of yet I have had no ideas. If you have any suggestions I'm all ears.<br /><br />I will be bye to pick up the award soon! Thanks so much. :DBrooke R. Bussehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444223968856153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8223068889792863979.post-23733616737877064272012-02-14T15:37:06.707-06:002012-02-14T15:37:06.707-06:00I like the "just shy" bit, because they ...I like the "just shy" bit, because they aren't exactly superhuman, but they aren't exactly normal either. ^^ I appreciate you stopping by and love your comment.Brooke R. Bussehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444223968856153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8223068889792863979.post-88970032803327329292012-02-14T14:20:14.311-06:002012-02-14T14:20:14.311-06:00I love how this is detailed and very controlled at...I love how this is detailed and very controlled at the same time--I would definitely read more! I think the first sentence could be a *little* stronger, if only because it comes to us without any context so it's hard to sink into...<br /><br />In other news, I awarded you a Kreativ Blogger medal on my site today :)Anna Waggenerhttp://annawaggener.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8223068889792863979.post-56463169933686917232012-02-14T11:22:04.832-06:002012-02-14T11:22:04.832-06:00Every detail down to the zit on his chin...wow...t...Every detail down to the zit on his chin...wow...that's specific.Michael Offutt, Phantom Readerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10557969104886174930noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8223068889792863979.post-9452676259656629272012-02-14T04:35:57.541-06:002012-02-14T04:35:57.541-06:00Rebbsie and Tass sound just shy of superhuman, and...Rebbsie and Tass sound just shy of superhuman, and Rebbsie at least is psychic, so those points intrigue me. I like the sense imagery and the action. And I think I'm primed to want to know more about the girls, the truck and especially the Enclosure! Nice job!Rob Lopezhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02301545971907007014noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8223068889792863979.post-42264850992960443462012-02-13T22:13:00.077-06:002012-02-13T22:13:00.077-06:00Thank you! I hadn't even thought that it might...Thank you! I hadn't even thought that it might not be clear that it was mind control. And the very first time it's mentioned, too.Brooke R. Bussehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444223968856153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8223068889792863979.post-36149170453533115002012-02-13T21:15:42.469-06:002012-02-13T21:15:42.469-06:00Very cool. The writing style is unique and fun. I ...Very cool. The writing style is unique and fun. I think there was a moment of mind control there but wasn't exactly sure so some clarification might be dandy. Great hook, I'd kept on truckin'! Thanks for sharing...Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07117701033407133039noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8223068889792863979.post-56443212733278994532012-02-13T19:53:18.475-06:002012-02-13T19:53:18.475-06:00You're too sweet. ;) I like the tiger descript...You're too sweet. ;) I like the tiger description. I'll have to remember that (I think I mention something about lionesses in some other part of the WIP though). It's supposed to be prairie, but savannah is close enough. Sounds more exotic anyway.Brooke R. Bussehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444223968856153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8223068889792863979.post-67224596015923883262012-02-13T19:47:58.893-06:002012-02-13T19:47:58.893-06:00Thanks, Charity. ^^ I'm glad to hear that sinc...Thanks, Charity. ^^ I'm glad to hear that since you've read previous versions. I've been working on tightening while avoiding confusion and sprinkling in more about my MC as you suggested.Brooke R. Bussehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444223968856153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8223068889792863979.post-8388735391252691682012-02-13T19:06:10.434-06:002012-02-13T19:06:10.434-06:00Does the character have a personality I can fall i...Does the character have a personality I can fall into easily?<br />Definitely!<br /><br />Is the world around them set up to compliment the character as they're introduced?<br />The description of the world reminded me of an African Savannah, and the characters themselves reminded me of running tigers, lithe and lean and incredibly fit...so yeah! ;)<br /><br />Are there secondary characters to assist with the hook?<br />Love the last two sentences with Tass crouched behind - I sort of imagined her eyes as tiger eyes. :)<br /><br />Lastly, would I read more?<br />Yep, for sure!Trishahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16927558937796802496noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8223068889792863979.post-35120704934151440442012-02-13T18:35:56.253-06:002012-02-13T18:35:56.253-06:00Brooke, I love how you've tightened this. Grea...Brooke, I love how you've tightened this. Great job!Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.com