Wednesday, September 07, 2011

When A Door Opens, It Usually Closes Afterwards

The door swung open, his fake silhouette framed by the light.
            My muscles tensed, but I didn’t press against the wall. I was ready. Yesterday, exactly twenty-four hours ago, I hadn’t been. But today, I knew I was.
            The simulation, the same one that came every day, stepped into my cell. His lips parted.
            I interrupted before the preprogrammed message could start. “You’re not my father. Leave me alone. I don’t want to hear your lies. I’m not going to help you. No matter what you say. No matter what you promise.”
            His mouth hung open. A wrinkle line appeared between his eyebrows. “Vela, it’s me. We have to hurry. They’re close.”
            A knot wrapped around my heart, pulling tighter, tighter. A tear slid the down the side of my nose. “No. You’re lying.”
            I flinched when he reached to touch me. “Vela, you must listen—”
            Then there were other people in my room, too many people. And they dragged him away, touching him, physically touching him, his body solid under their hands.
            I realized my mistake too late. I ran forward, but was pushed back. I landed hard, a cry springing from my throat.
            The door swung shut.
-200 words

33 comments:

  1. I like it! ^.^ The title is cool, too.

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  2. Thanks. And really, that's not the title of my story, I just needed something to name the post. XD

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  3. I would love to see this fleshed out into a short story or something. There's a lot of potential in it.

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  4. Brooke, this was awesome! So many questions you've left the reader with: where is she? Why is she there? Why are they torturing her with images of her father?
    I would definitely read on to see where this went - excellent job!

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  5. Holy Batman, Brooke, awesome twist!I both like it just as it is, and would also like to read a, yeah, fleshed-out version. Great writing!

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  6. Very nice. Emotionally gripping at the end. I found myself wanting to reach out and change things so they ended differently. You made me care. Excellent.

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  7. Very nice, Brooke! A gut-wrenching, emotional scene. You set it up incredibly well in so few words. Excellent job!

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  8. This is great, Brooke. I'd love to read the rest of this story.

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  9. That's so well done, and so sad :-(

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  10. omgoodness!
    what the heck just happened!
    great story! sorry for the girl...

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  11. Intensity! All those people just showed up at once and, are about to do something to her. How awful, and yet you wrote it so well!

    Awesome job, Brooke! :)

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  12. Oh man, she was so close to being rescued. I feel her pain. Great scene!

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  13. Nice...and you chose all the difficulty elements. I assigned a judge to this so it shall be scrutinized soon!

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  14. How tragic. It has great tension and it raised a lot of questions. So close.

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  15. @Marlena I have some backstory running through my head, but no scenes. However, perhaps one of my Chrysalis prompts will, indeed, prompt something.

    @Erin Oooh, you asked all the right questions! ^^ (And understood it much better than my mother.)

    @Jes If you have any ideas, spew them forth to me. Spew I say! And, of course, thank you for taking the time to read my piece. ^^

    @Kelly Yay, for caring! Something else to do a happy dance for. I'm glad that you felt that because I feel portraying emotions is one of my weaknesses.

    @Steph Thanks. :) I thought about it all a long time before a wrote it, to make sure the sequence of events worked accordingly.

    @Angelina That's... kinda it. At least for right now. The future holds many possibilities.

    @Sarah I know. I sooo would have bawled.

    @Tara Is that a good 'what the heck just happened'? I'm going to assume it is and thank you. ^^

    @David Thank you and I'm glad that you visualized so easily. Also, thanks for following. ^^

    @Gwen What's the worst that could happen to our characters, right? Man, I seriously hope I don't start having those nightmares that Madeline gets about someone writing out her life...

    @Michael Yay! I'm waiting on pins and needles to hear who all the semi finalists are (will there be a list posted somewhere?). In the meantime, I'll continue to catch up on blog posts.

    @Theresa So utterly devastatingly close. For once tension didn't come at the sake of understanding (at least I think...). And you should so post a happy dance about your new job!

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  16. Very nice. It's fascinating to see all of the different takes on this. mine is #72

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  17. I know. It reminds me of the 'the goldfish bowl teetered' challenge from the last 'Crusade'. :)

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  18. Love it! The only time she talks her mind out of believing, and it's real. How horrifying!

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  19. Thank you so much, Julie. ^^ And I'm so glad that you understand my story so thoroughly.

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  20. Hi Brooke! You've done a great job on this. I wanted to stop by and let you know that you are through to stage two of judging for the challenge. There will be a semi-final (stage three) and a final (stage four). Good luck!

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  21. Oh wow! I love this one! Goosebumps for sure :D

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  22. Great job! Love the idea.

    By the way...You've been tagged! Share 10 random things about yourself!

    Tag You're It!

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  23. @Jen Thank you so much for choosing me and devoting your time to judge. ^^ I really appreciate you taking the time to read this. (And that goes for everyone else as well.)

    @Rebecca And yay for good goosebumps! (There are bad ones you know. They're the kind that occur when you're cold. Brrr...)

    @Jen Thanks, Jen. ^^ Okay. I'll have to start thinking things up right away.

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  24. Wow Brooke! This was intense, and amazingly sad. I really love your writing though! :D

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  25. Thanks, J. ^^ I'm so encouraged to hear all these wonderful responses. Each one brightens up my day just a little more.

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  26. Wow, great job Brooke! Dramatic and cool. I love that a whole story can be contained in so few words.

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  27. Now if only I could use the fact that my writing is cool for high school. :) And we all know how good I am at that. -fails at being a short story writer-

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  28. Wow, that was really great! Is it the beginning of a longer piece? I'd love to hear more! Great entry!
    Mine's #262 (http://pensuasion.blogspot.com/)

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  29. No, it's not. At least not at the moment. It was written solely for the challenge. Thank you. ^^

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  30. Brooke, I LOVE this! Really, it's awesome. I'm glad I got to read it. I love your details and tension. Good job :)

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  31. Thank you, Michelle. ^^ I try to make it good writing, even if it's short writing. :)

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  32. I apologize if I end up commenting twice.
    I loved this! It has so much novel potential. :) I would definitely read on.

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  33. You didn't and it would have been fine if you did. I understand computers glitch. :) But thank you. I don't know if I really have any ideas to expand it but it's nice to see that other people think it could be.

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